ADAM (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and
inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his
parentage. Born first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of
his childhood. Education: Self-educated. Entered the
gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong
anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain
and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but
eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost
favor of the proprietor of the garden, and failed in business.
A. started a number of things which have not been perfected.
Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture.
Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all
 Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that
position out of respect.
ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden
with his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a
sheep raising business. Finally had a row with his brother,
and was knocked out in the first round.
ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City,
Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and
control the pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing
markets. Camel and sheep merchant. Considerable land was
willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name unknown).
Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs.
Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived
happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people.
Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan.
ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando
Francesco, of the Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion
of his life taking care of his name, climbing mountains,
fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his marriage.
ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a
bath, but forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of
the siege of Troy. Died before receiving pension.
AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his
childhood except that he was fond of dogs and played with the
cat. Later he made animals his life's study. A. discovered the
zoological principal that a turtle can run faster than a
rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. Publications:
Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece.
Clubs: Zoological Societies.
ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a
genii with which he could secure anything an American
millionaire or actress can now purchase.
ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system
for removing the financial interests of the country from the
common people and placing them in the hands of the few.
ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.
AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in
the year 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable
journey through the Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he
became an author and lecturer. Publications: The South Pole.
Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. S. Later A. retired
and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, a few
ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.
ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever
lived. In the height of a brilliant stage career she fell in
love, and decided that a quiet home with a husband and children
was more to be desired than the empty plaudits of the crowd,
and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.
ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in
Italy, but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed
his talents by making cartoons of the teachers. These were
unappreciated. Moved to Florence, where he bought some
chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. remained a
bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant
church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to
give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made
permanent. Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the
Medici family, leading politicians of his time. It is difficult
to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. A. never
favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations:
Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.
ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and
could not forget what he saw.
ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her
husband to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker,
her humor terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to
eat cake during a bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated.
Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. Recreation:
Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address:
Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.
APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his
statues, patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table
water named in his honor. Career: See longer and less
respectable biographies. A. was the first person to sing to
the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he was a good
singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel,
archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.
ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood
milking cows and embroidering. When the English ministry began
operations in France J. dropped her embroidery in the milk
bucket and began suffragetting. She did not break windows or
blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her and
captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but
again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and
burnt up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid.
Recreation: Barn dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans
ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.
ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat,
and themselves out of the government jails.
ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history
with a bad odor attached to it.
ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured
the Round Table, and did all the things a good English king
should do. Little is known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was
crowned in Westminster Abbey, but without the American
contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed away from
the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a
wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing.
Address: Windsor, Buckingham.
ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in
his country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was
also a favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a
successful wing-dipping expedition against some of his
countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled
dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women
without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address:
Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.
ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts
with nurses and cooks, spends his time boasting about South
Africa and the U. S. A., posing for motion pictures, and
exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as to his marksmanship,
although it is now conceded he can often hit a man-sized target
at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, must be
clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea.
Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps,
Kipling, blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities.
Ambition: Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket
bath-tubs, and restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See
ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a
preacher. Edited a huge book which bears his name.
AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered
for crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering
somebody, for making speeches, or building triumphant arches or