BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother.
His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic
father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures.
Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat
exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite
his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused
a doctor-- a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally
liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair
pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.
BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good
fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling.
Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes
were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure
and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler.
Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland,
everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the
United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe
in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent.
Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W.
C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His
BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.
BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived.
Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel
when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed
every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did
everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened
until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the
United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he
slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank
every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train;
visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store;
mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom,
history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications:
Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists.
BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the
talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition
seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home
rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep
BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which
may be discussed in respectable company.
BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went
BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness.
BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early
days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided
in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of
Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a
"will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies.
BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut,
the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show
he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the
time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but
that all Americans were not Democrats all the time.
BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was
a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at
Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to
pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See
Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette.
BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron
of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe.
BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of
wives, before Reno was discovered.
BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the
suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through
heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other
place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with
money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted
BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller.
BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and
nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please."
BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to
BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks
into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts.
BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in
BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born
before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has
been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four
months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is
said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her
declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United
States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars,
perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her.
Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary,
acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris.
She also has a telephone.
BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American
boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the
plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a
fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy
ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee
and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long.
BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes,
and made people laugh.
BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any
Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an
emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into
Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his
country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in
BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered.
BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy
of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English
Channel without being seasick.
BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also
was not the only German general who ever fought France.
BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him).
BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes.
Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the
parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and
one of her paintings is considered fair.
BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never
fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted
campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass
bands and collection devises. The army later became a
suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits,
and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection
forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers
BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor).
BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your
bank account and told how you paid your bills. His
complimentary comments are highly valued.
BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it
without being fined or driven out of business.
BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by
espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body
moulding in the grave.
BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure
of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of
it when old.
BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are
deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It
has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and
conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation
of the alphabet as a means of expression.
BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were
easily understood, and consequently seldom read.
BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease
in his pantaloons than for his head.
BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer.
BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a
newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists
claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He
only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a
golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a
rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was
placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a
fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also
toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo.
Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things
Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail
work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition:
Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a
newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail
forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again.
BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and
weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and
caused many a man to lose the keyhole.
BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned
reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and
referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in
his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient
with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his
BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who
inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North
Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to
show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine
fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had
trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection.
Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst
family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social
organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception
committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates
buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and
raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning
purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle,
spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his
appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word
"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes
but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea,
Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf,
Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again.
BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love
poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable
feats-- making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a
girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare.
BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has
remained the same size and age for the past eight years.
BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to
get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and