CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great
politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics
as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs.
Became a fair general despite his poor service training.
Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing
Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or
Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally
included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with
the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and
paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest
senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but
escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest
funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also
awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia
est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address:
Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member
of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph:
CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag.
CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House
of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C.
occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and
trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things
and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats,
and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election.
Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once
more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P.
CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean
could wave at him.
CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which
wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address:
CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government
tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician
rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the
cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and
then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way
through five acts.
CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old
American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace
buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman
he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel
trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all
dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every
town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of
all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address:
University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland.
CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble.
CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the
Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or
a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling
the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for
divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited
zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts,
and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office
CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was
successful for a time in the U. S.
CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see
CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce
American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a
fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship
with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times,
and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career:
Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York
police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ?
CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the
Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation.
CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his
business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic
liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None.
Address: The Styx.
CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the
English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known
work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and
colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary.
CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed
clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return
to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium.
CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living.
CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living.
CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in
politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement.
CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two
sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to
fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of
CLAUS, Santa, poor father.
CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a
threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was
unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became
a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An
Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging
with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid.
CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and
ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering
cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many
people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to
get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family.
Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See
Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they
COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood.
Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers.
COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat
COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have
been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was
round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but
nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there
was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage
to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an
expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did.
Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation:
Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs:
COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when
we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists.
Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner.
CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B.
C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do
things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship.
This still is practiced in England, but never in the United
States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A
Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum.
CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066"
in all history books.
COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at
a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and
in the management of the house. When she departed there was
weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and
everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or
Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole
COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich
Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world.
COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered
the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.)
COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating
travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save
you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius.
Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans
who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any
foreign city equipped with tourists.
COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his
father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in
COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in
building a reputation.
CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion
fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a
good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used
to be. Ambition: A white champion.
CORELLI, Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful
love scenes. She is said to have written some books which
brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society
except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at
Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her
publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and
railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All
 Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the
next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations
of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen
into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book
COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the
world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas
CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world
to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column
for his employers.
CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy
without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market.
CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of
Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics,
which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York
police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later
retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with
salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English
Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York
CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics,
and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted
in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in
England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was
honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over
CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer.
Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked
to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned
to England to become an author.
CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one
at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to
mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with
poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars
with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they
were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they
listened to his voice. He witnessed several international
engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him
a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some
roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At
times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When
C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be
at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation:
Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers
the fireside and moonlight nights.
CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print
without being a suffragette or an actress.
CZAR. See Russia.