HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating
before he was abdicated.
HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy
HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and
called it homeopathy.
HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.
HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion
promiser, and a sick man. When a youth he began instructing
the monarchs of Europe in the use of a government. One of his
favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. Fearless until a
warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid of it
with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of
reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk
cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be
ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and
salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the wise ones lost
Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe.
Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job.
Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem.
Epitaph: Everybody Worked But Father.
HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also
founded the foolish questions.
HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high
prices, and buildings upon certain communities.
HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote
a few other airs.
HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)
HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American
university near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A.,
where football players and the sons of American millionaires
eke out an education.
HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his
patients had blood which circulated. The discovery has since
been of some profit to his successors.
HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his
name. Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other
varieties to the world.
HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches
(also see Napoleon).
HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful,
and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It
is said the poem has been parodized.
HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty
or death. From all that can be ascertained he secured the
HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic
games and laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which
are even questioned by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed
about everybody, erected two pillars, stole some apples, and,
in short, did everything but enter politics or invent a
breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation:
Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs:
Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen.
HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to
death simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a
great American poet used bad taste in writing the biography of
such a man.
HICHENS, Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah.
Experimented with belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and
multitudes of readers hope he will remain there for some time
to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: Filling his fountain
pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the Publisher.
 Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day,
and is compelled to make the biography flattering.
HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a
celebrated rain storm.
HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and
went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was
heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few
saloons failed after a lecture.
HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured
inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to
eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered
the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor
Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. All
the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only
told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most
complicated mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle,
and was only baffled in locating the murderer of Cock Robin.
His name struck terror into the hearts of criminals and
competing publishers. After all the criminals in England had
been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great
H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in
time to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the
suffragette case. Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation:
Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. Address: 31 Baker
Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au Revoir,
HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began
career as a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for
incompetence, and took up honest writing. Found a publisher
who thought his writings would sell to posterity. Later H.
took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war correspondent for
the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. Ambition:
Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and
school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth
HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a
wolf which had previously partaken of a relative.
HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the
rich and gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for
HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for
HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near
relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and
gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to
manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the
suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life
worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and
all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do
things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success.
Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home.
HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who
sang and drank of the Falernian wine.
HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the
Tiber without getting stuck in the mud.
HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever
lived. Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his
picture and ran long articles about his life, family,
eccentricities, etc. Won fame in war, science, pulpit,
aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, finance, by
saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were
infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful
women. Made addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He
was the man everyone wanted to shake by the hand so they could
tell other people they had done it. Ambition: Another hour.
Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. Clubs: All
HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ
extra telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He
also was responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation."
HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large
cities, showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the
villain, packed up, and moved to the next town.
HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened
newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only
controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His
magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff
of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the
ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also
employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified
by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and
newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything.
Was always Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan.
Recreation: Reading yellow journals. Address: All large
American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is Mightier Than The Pen.
HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.)