NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl
on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good
luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all
great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his
masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered
the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused
himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or
an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young
man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers.
Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble
with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his
neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That
settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N.
scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured
Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too
cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became
rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into
France and carried a third term. Started things. Began
quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew
the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started
things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met
by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced
him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England
presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and
paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became
responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his
right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French
Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the
shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph:
I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine
Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War.
NAPOLEON II. Absent.
NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany.
Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck.
Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would
permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte.
NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined
away into a flower and a tiresome song.
NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette
who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be
sober all the time.
NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to
NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners,
wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to
New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs:
NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought
nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire
departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good
show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus
Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.
NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her
NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the
theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to
fall than to climb after it.
NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down.
Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls
who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand
when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was
driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and
succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in
existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable
opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great
people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much
worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men.
Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures.
Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You.
Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's,
champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address:
Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.
NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who
succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or
NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had
considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity.
When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never
sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the
Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made
quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea
when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend
Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications:
The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger
crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor.
Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis.
NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor
union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature
discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes.