SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera
houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous
women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain
there until arrested.
SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces
and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain.
Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education:
School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early
life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When
thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later
became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization
business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered
from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated
slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted
considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European
power, but had to take care of the children after the incident.
S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former,
although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long
hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes,
had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank
notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address:
Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he
SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a
young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain
and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until
he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on
SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin
collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed
with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money
SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had
enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how
natural he looked.
SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in
closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular
with the masses until election day. When the opposition
returned they made it hot for him.
SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from
obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.
SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful
in advertising himself and his town. In England he is
SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French
Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips
with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's.
SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been
beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose
less attractive sister got the better of her.
SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting
the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the
reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read
by students and persons possessing much time.
SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran
second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited
in European galleries.
SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.
SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who
introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.
SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the
ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of
rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author
SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at
Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by
poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village
pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a
city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said
to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His
fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s
birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More
post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in
Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense
floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon
for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in
Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The
World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.)
SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of
clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen
into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in
SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who
made money by being honest enough to tell people what they
knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his
theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants
everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided
opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England.
Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.
SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains
against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.
SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.
SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and
giving a terse definition of war.
SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person
feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward.
SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers
whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better
job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have
time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette.
SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the
diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent
home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country
without diplomats. Address: Home.
SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.
SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the
exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair
grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon
was broke and no sale was consummated.
SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.
SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out
salvation for the bald and envy to women.
SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the
SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the
SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed
SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old
Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes.
When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the
years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring
mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen.
S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city
and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular
songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one
more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem.
Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the
phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here
Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.
SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of
wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel.
Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of
credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event.
S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father
was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with
his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of
life. Address: Home.
SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot
pigeons between march compositions.
SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race
degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only
the survivors are the fittest.
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great
Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was
incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent,
inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She
was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early
days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s
first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a
speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see
her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent
tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's
vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs,
letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs.
Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast.
Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious
objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes.
Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the
achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being
denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate
cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were
not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all
women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and
children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent
sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence.
Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind.
Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas!
The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."
SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the
governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of
retiring from office in order that he might be considered a
progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out.
Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers.
Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You
Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.